Tips for ‘Moderate Muslims’ Who Want to Make Mainstream America Feel Safe

By Jamilah King Jan 13, 2015

Over at Salon, Al Jazeera America’s Wajahat Ali put together a tongue-and-cheek checklist for what he calls "moderate Muslims" who want to reassure the world (read: non-Muslims) that they aren’t terrorists. Some tips:

1. Use excessive, inflammatory language in sensitive, volatile situations. This is your first step in becoming a Moderate.

2. Generalize! Generalize! Generalize!

3. Callously exploit a tragedy to advance divisive political agendas.

4. When asked for no reason if you support ISIS, say, "No."

5. Taylor Swift — Learn her. Love her. Embrace her. When confronted with bigotry and fear-mongering, simply recite "Haters gonna’ hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. Shake it off! Shake it off!"

6. Invite representatives of minority communities to have a civil conversation, but then cut them off when they begin to speak.

7. Don’t wear keffiyahs. (Unless you are Rachael Ray or white hipsters.)

8. Don’t wear long beards. (Unless you are a cast member of "Duck Dynasty" or, again, white hipsters.)

9. Don’t eat halal food. (Unless you live in Manhattan.)

10. Don’t have an ethnic accent — America will be unable to understand or empathize with you. (Unless you are Arianna Huffington or Arnold Schwarzenegger.)

Read more at Salon.